During the last year at Townsend Harris High School, a long resented tradition was abolished for freshmen: zero band. This tradition forced students to be at school by 7:05 AM, often requiring them to wake up as early as 5AM to get to school in time for lab sessions. Yet, after teachers, deans, and administrators noticed a precipitous increase in smiling faces in the halls, accompanied by a precipitous drop in students falling asleep in class, it has been decided not only that zero band will be restored for the 2026-2027 school year, but that Band Negative One, which will begin at 6:10AM, will be introduced.

According to Principal Byron Kondon, “Zero Band was what glued this school together. Without that extra time and with students so happy, a lot of work simply isn’t getting done.”

In the last year since the removal of zero band for so many students, THHS has catastrophically dropped from the 9th best high school in NYC to only being the 10th best. Students have reported being laughed at by kids from The Bronx High School of Science and Stuyvesant High School for going to such an “abysmally horrible high school.” It has gotten so bad that administrators such as Ms. Helen Free have gone part time due to shame.

Beginning in September, all students will be programmed for Band Negative One classes, Mr. Kondon said. 

“Townsend Harris is a place of tradition,” Mr. Kondon said. “And it turns out our tradition is pain and suffering. And we now know that this suffering must begin as early in the morning as is possible to ensure the resurrection of our former glory.” 

Dr. Ryan Sewer of the English department not only believes in having a band negative one, but thinks it should go even further. “My students only spend around 3 hours daily reading and annotating The Odyssey. Imagine if we had Band Negative One, maybe even Band Negative 2. Why should students even get to leave the school? Let’s just make students spend the night in the gym.”

A range of teachers expressed their support. STEM teachers envisioned triple band AP classes. Classical languages teachers said they’d join Dr. Sewer and find time to have students read The Odyssey in the original Greek. 

Even The Classic’s advisor, Broan Feeny, expressed support. “How is The Classic supposed to use its child laborers–I mean students–to write more articles with how few bands we get? I fully support bringing back Zero Band and adding Band Negative One,” he said.

Yet not every teacher supports Band Negative One. 

Pre-AP World History Teacher Plain Shellman believes that it could negatively affect students. “How are people supposed to enjoy DOPE Friday if they have to go to Band Negative One? Wouldn’t be so dope if you ask me.”

Physical Education and Health teacher Babriella Bedreros also agrees. “Students need to be in bed by 10:00 PM sharp every night if they have to be in school by 6:10AM. How can they get their sleep? What if they start doing drugs, or worse, don’t eat their vegetables?”

Zero Band and Band Negative One will be implemented starting in September 2026. As of now, Band Negative One has been approved for a mandatory physical education class called the “4 Mile Run,” as well as for “AP Physics C Hybrid,” a new AP class that combines Regents Physics, AP Physics 1, and AP Physics C into a quadruple band class for juniors (the fourth band is for lab work and crying). 

Principal Kondon described it best, saying “Hopefully, students will NOT enjoy Band Negative One, and with it, we can get back to the top, because right now, if we’ve learned anything this year, it’s that sleep is for the weak.”

Update on April 2, 2026: Now that April Fools Day 2026 is over, please note that none of the above is true. This is an April Fools joke article published for parody purposes only.